The heart, the truth

Just thinking about a quote that my sis has shared in her blog recently and also her own comments…Indeed, it takes great courage and bravery to follow one’s heart and be honest to oneself…Does the heart always know best?...
“Whatever games are played with us, we must play no games with ourselves, but deal in our privacy with the last honesty and truth” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson (American Poet, Lecturer and Essayist, 1803-1882)

A train of thoughts...

Lazy daze…
Are these lazy days of mine over? Am I still in a daze? Did not have much inspiration or mood to pen down stuff in my blog for the past week… At times, just feel that the energy within me is depleting by the day or may be by the hour every day. Sometimes, just feel that there is this inner voice in me urging me to shut off from the things and people around me. Sometimes, there is simply this pleasure enjoying the silence in those quiet moments by myself…

Loneliness versus loneness…
When one is spending time alone, I feel that it does not necessarily equate to loneliness. Loneliness is a negative feeling, it could be the pain and unhappiness of being alone. One can have many friends, a successful career and loads of money but still feel terribly lonely… On the other hand, there is a possibility that one could find joy in being alone. You wake up and just feel and do anything you like, one would probably need these quiet and self-owned moments at times. Well, that could be loneness, thought I came across this word before. Well, I must say I got to really experience and enjoy these joyous and quiet moments to myself. There is beauty in silence in those moments…
“I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.” ~ Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Mothy attack…
Just last Thursday, my room was invaded by a moth, about three centimetres by two centimetres. It was late at night when I discovered it. It was fluttering all over my room, simply refused to get out from the opened window in my room, or was it just lost? I was kinda irritated by it and it was time to go to bed. I knew I could not share my room and spend the night with that moth! Thus, decided to sleep in my parents’ room. It was a king size bed and can you imagine how many times I could turn on that bed?! Has been quite some time since I have slept with Mummy…enjoyed the night and the sleep, have been sleeping there since :P The windows are pretty huge, thus was able to see the sky at night from the bed. Just before I closed my eyes for the past few nights, I would gaze at the sky in the night…hug my bolster, take a whiff of my blanket and slowly find myself in dreamland…

Survival…
I was so tired of food from outside for the past week that I decided to have just plain bread and Milo for a few meals. My mummy is very capable of cooking bland food, she always urges us to take less sugar, less salt and less oil. She really means what she says and practises it very often at home. Kinda miss her bland food and the plain porridge that goes with those dishes.
Decided to cook last weekend but of course, gotta share those cooked food so invited Mark and Derrick over. Ha, not so sure if I am sharing joy though. You see, I am not really a great cook but I guess simple dishes still manageable. Like working on a piece of art, it could be therapeutic to cook at times. My mummy has somehow taught me simplicity in cooking :P Went to the wet market near my place in the morning, I must say it was quite a good experience, have not been there for quite some time. I remember there was once I tried to buy fish for my mummy from her favourite stall some time back. I took almost ten minutes to tell what I wanted to the fishmonger. There were simply too many aunties around me, all shouting to get the fishmonger’s attention and grab what they needed. There I was, looking stupidly around at those people around me, deciding whether to shout or not. Maybe I am just not used to fighting for stuff in life… Anyway, enjoyed looking at the people and all the happenings in the wet market that morning. There was this old friendly granny who was standing beside me when I was choosing some fruits, she was lamenting about how expensive the pineapples were, she looked at me and shook her head. I just smiled. Every cent does matter to some people in a wet market, most will want to get good deals. Most of all, they swear by the freshness of food bought from the wet market.

Baby…
Sunny baby came over to my place on Sunday. Happy to see him! He seemed to like running all over my place, from the garden to the kitchen to the living room, so curious about my place. Hmm, he’s a good boy, just feel that he seems to have matured a little. But I know that he will always be a baby in my eyes…

…My parents should be back this week. Till then, I am just thankful for those friends and family members who have asked about me while I have been home alone. Thank you for having me in your thoughts…My grandma who is always worried about what I eat, my uncle who texted me to ask about me, my sis and bro have not forgotten to text me to ask if I am surviving (hey, if both of you can do it, I can too k, heh :P), my parents called me to chat a little, Kat dropped by my place to ‘check’ on me, Guiyu invited me to stay at her place and go to her place for dinner…I remember Mark asked me that day if I was scared to live in this big house all by myself. Hmm, I guess my answer is no, this is my home, why should I be? Shouldn’t it be a place that’s safe to go to and of comfort? But hey, if think I might have a slight problem coping with laundry and cleaning of the house if my parents decided to stay longer with my brother :P

What a Slacker!

I am feeling extremely lazy today, I think I am gonna feel lazy tomorrow too and maybe the next few days, wonder how long this is gonna last…A teddy bear from “Gotta Getta Gund” series. A birthday gift from my sis a few years ago…his name is SLACKER!...love playing with his limbs :P

Gift #10 from my angel

Has it become a routine that a gift must be given every week? Or has it become an obligation?...Hmm, nah, it couldn’t be, don’t think so…Sigh, it’s so easy to doubt, isn’t it? Bad bad gal, somebody give this bad gal a kick on her butt! :P...Got another gift from Yue Niang Angel this week, it’s a box (pink) of mint created for Breast Cancer Awareness cause, together with a message “Blessed with pink of health”. Health is more important than anything else in the world, isn’t it? Health is wealth, maybe I ought to spend more time thinking about this. My dear Yue Niang Angel, wherever your wings might bring you, here’s wishing you pink of health too, I am sure you are much loved and cared for by others around you…

The Chan family

Finally able to transfer some of my photographs from my mobile phone to the PC, was having problem with a faulty cable :P Goodness, all these wires, cable and gadgets could really cause distress at times. Anyway, good to take a look at these photographs once again. They were taken during the Chinese New Year period, when my bro was back and just before my sis left for Switzerland...

Isabelle

I was going to meet a group of friends at Joo Chiat Place to eat that famous black pepper crab at Eng Seng Coffeeshop last Friday. As I was walking towards the coffeeshop, saw a lovely golden retriever! One domestic helper was walking her. I couldn't help but stopped to give that golden retriever a pat and feel her fur, of course with permission. I asked for her name and it's Isabelle. She was so affectionate and friendly when I approached her. She was wagging her tail as I stroke her on her back. Our eyes met and it just seemed that we knew each other...gave her a little hug before I left to meet my friends. Such a pleasure to meet Isabelle. A pity I dun have a picture of her coz did not bring along my camera that day. Sunny baby, you are in my thoughts...Hope that you have been a good boy, muack!

Home alone

My parents headed for Shanghai today, both for holiday and to visit my brother. I had lunch with them at the airport before seeing them off. There was hardly anyone at the departure hall at T3, love the peacefulness and quiet in that place. Somehow, not so sure if it comes with age, I don’t seem to enjoy noises much nowadays, don’t really like crowded places too. Well, I guess I have never really fancied places with many people too. I guess at times, we just need to enjoy quiet moments to ourselves. Heh, even in places where there’s lotsa noises and many conversations going on, I think I can even shut my ears off and be just oblivious to what’s going on around me. Is this plain stubbornness or just selective listening? Naughty naughty gal :P

With my parents not around at home, guess the house is going to be much bigger. Sometimes, you just wonder what’s going on at the other corner of the house, a corner that you hardly even go to. My parents was reminding me of a long list of things to remember while we were having lunch this afternoon…gate, doors, windows, rubbish, stove, lights, boiling of water, fruits in the fridge, bunches of keys, laundry, mail, garden, cleanliness…the list goes on. In my parents’ eyes, I guess I will always be the little girl they know many many years ago :P My father is kinda a neat freak and looking at the way he files his documents sometimes would put me to shame. Well, they can be pretty naggy at times but I know they care and I mean a lot to them :) I think I am going to miss them these two weeks. But heh, till they are back again, I guess I am probably also gonna enjoy that freedom. Well, hope they are having a great time meeting up with my brother right now.

Gift #9 from my angel

How much do we actually treasure the little things in life? To some, they would wonder why bother with these little things or probably think that there’s no big deal over such little gifts that are given and received. To me, they could mean a great deal…little things accumulate and when they do, you can never imagine how powerful it could be, so powerful that it might be able to help us fight battles in life. Not forgetting, the thought and care that come with those gifts, they are things that can never ever be bought... My second wonderful gift from Yue Niang Angel this week was a hand-folded origami Japanese koi, with that strip of paper that says, “Bless you”. Every fold with my angel’s hands, the effort and the time, all very much appreciated…I have also received a pack of healthy dried fruits from Shine Angel towards the end of week. Shine Angel, thanks for reminding me about eating healthily, it’s really the thought that counts, doesn’t it? I think I have always been blessed with family and friends around me who love and care so much for me. Of course, not forgetting those angels in my life : ) Hmm, I dun need many, it’s really not the number that matters, does it?

Gift #8 from my angel

No matter how very tired I am right now, I know I must finish these few blog posts, that will also include this one. Okie, how shall I put it? Hmm, I always remind myself not to have expectations coz most of the times, expectations could lead to disappointment. I really did not expect yet another gift to be placed in my pigeon hole this week. It was indeed a real real pleasant surprise, given my blur state of mind again, especially so just right after a short getaway over the long weekend. I was greeted by a big packet of M&Ms (it’s peanuts!) with a cute little bunny on the plastic wrapper. Starting to feel that saying thank you to Yue Niang Angel isn’t enough…wish I have something better than that. Always not many words from my angel, always that strip of paper with not more than five words…but I guess the care and thoughtfulness are always greatly felt. My dear angel, thank you so very much for always thinking of me every week…

For my sis

Dearest sis, this one is especially for you…

These are my wishes for you…
May you find serenity and tranquility in a world you may not always understand.
May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism.
Always know that there are those whose LOVE and understanding will always be there, even when you feel most alone.
~ Sandra Sturtz Hauss
Sending you lotsa hugz and love, miss ya!

My gong gong

Was reading my sis’s blog…Just last year this time, my grandfather bade farewell.
Dear Gong gong, I can never forget those times we would wait patiently for you to bring us to the playground to play in the evening. At times, you would buy us Milo or Horlicks and I remember you would pour them into the saucer for us to drink, reminding us that it’s hot. You would also carry us to let us see what’s going on at the other side of the wall of the community centre. As we grew older, you continued to dote on us and never stopped worrying about us. Don’t worry about us, we are all doing fine. We will take good care of ourselves…

Fly high and away

Nuts about chocolate with peanut butter from Baskin Robbins...

slabs of peanut butter, terribly sinful!

Grilled seafood at Menaga Cafe by the beach...fresh seafood

Lobsters were finger-licking good!

Our hotel, Melia Bali, has a really beautiful and well-maintained garden

Enjoying a meal by the beach

Beach at Nusa Nua, just at our hotel... simply relaxing by just walking along the beach...

feeling the soft white sand...

Beach at Kuta...during sunset

The 'nua' queens :P

Those clips on my wings were gone, I flapped my wings and flew free in the clear blue sky…I took a last look at my black planner (one that I cannot work without but know that I can live without) last Thursday afternoon and bade farewell to it as I placed it aside, forgetting its existence…well, I guess for a few days. I was away for a short getaway to Bali over the long weekend, was craving badly for some sun, sand and sea. Ha, I simply love being lazy at times :P
Jiaqi, my ex-colleague cum good friend cum travel mate especially to a few beach resorts needed a break from work too. We kinda have been talking about lazing around in a beach resort since last year. Finally, this busy friend of mine’s schedule can meet mine this time. Ha, we can never forget how we nearly perished in the Pacific Ocean when canoeing in Hawaii, how we bravely or should I say foolishly followed a big burly local around the island. Well, he was pretty friendly. He brought us to a few places and told us so much about his country. Well, actually both of us gals did talk about how to attack that big guy just in case he tried anything funny, ha! We are considered super ‘nua’ queens by Kat, we are the kind who can go back to hotel for afternoon naps while travelling, the kind who can spend much time watching TV programmes while travelling. Lazing around is always part of our agenda when we travel. We bet Kat cannot stand it, being a shopping queen and always with numerous things going through her mind. I think she must be busy shopping last long weekend. Wish she could just rest her body, mind and soul at times. But I guess shopping is her way of resting her body, mind and soul :P

Okie, back to my Bali trip, I went back to the same hotel I stayed in a couple of years ago. Service still as great, we were kinda treated like princesses or should I say ‘nua’ queens :P We were always greeted with a smile, from the corridor to the pool to the restaurant to the beach, from the chambermaid to the waiter to the bell boy to the gardener to the beach boy, everyone of them. It was always like, “Good morning!” and “How are you today?”. Their smiles were always so sincere and they were always so helpful, considering our safety, ensuring our comfort and pretty assuring. It’s always great to see them hard at work and doing their best to provide the best service to their customers. Well, in this instance, I do not mind paying for good service, I do not mind pampering myself on such trips :P Days were spent getting a massage, spent some time at Kuta (too crowded, didn’t really like), lazing by the beach, eating and eating. Oh boy, think I need to stop eating like a glutton, had ice cream every day. Goodness, love the peanut butter chocolate ice cream at Baskin Robbins!... Oh yes, the sounds of waves, was so used to hearing them for the past few days that kinda miss hearing them now. Enjoyed the walk along the beach, on the soft white sand. I looked back, I saw my footprints, a trail of it…some washed away by the waters eventually… footprints left on the sand can be washed away but footprints left in my heart over the years can never ever be washed away…I raised my hands and feel the space around me…As I stood there, it felt as though I was being embraced by the sea, it has brought comfort…

I look at my black planner as I am typing this, not really wanting to open it as yet…

Gift #7 from my angel

Oh my goodness, my goodness gracious me, what have I done to deserve all these?! Sorry, a little drama :P It was a tiring long day, went to my pigeon hole to get a document and was pretty much surprised that there’s a sweet little gift greeting me – a personalized luggage tag! There's a pic of Pooh giving Eeyore a hug on that tag and childish me (grow up, dummy :P) couldn’t help but smiled when I saw it, it’s a personalized tag! Can you believe it?? That was really sweet of Yue Niang Angel! Sometimes, I wonder why this dear angel of mine is so nice to me, faithfully giving me a gift every week for the past weeks…not that there is an ulterior motive but just wondering if I do deserve it and am I worthy of it?…Anyway, I think I shall not read too much into it but just enjoy the moment. But how could I ever thank Yue Niang Angel enough for these wonderful moments…

Sounds? Silence?

Was shopping with Mark and Derrick yesterday, we came across this T-shirt with these words, “Sounds of Silence”, I just couldn’t help but ponder and think about these words, trying to understand that phrase… Hmm, I guess at times, some things are not meant to be understood…

Was walking Sunny baby yesterday evening, walked past an old folks’ home, the elderly were all having their dinner in the canteen, I would say there was kinda silence as they slowly had their food. There were hardly any expressions on their faces. I wonder what’s going through their minds…in the midst of that silence, somehow, I felt a sense of loneliness in the air…

It was pouring this early afternoon, I looked out of the window, it felt good…the feeling of letting go, pouring out and being washed away by the heavy downpour…as I look out of the window now after the rain, everything was quiet and peaceful…

Going gently into the night...

I was reading The Straits times just yesterday and it was about death and dying…going gently into the night. It is good to know that more of us are more aware of palliative care and probably more willing to openly talk about death and dying. But it kinda saddened me to have read that Shin Na has passed away in January this year. Have watched a documentary featuring her and her life just last year. Her positivity and strength in battling cancer touched me a great deal. From Shin Na’s blog…”I’m sad about the pain my illness and death have caused my friends and family. Losing people you care about and the thought of never, ever seeing them again, or hugging them, or hearing them laugh is heartbreaking. Trust me, I know. You’re losing ONE of me. I’m losing ALL of you. But here’s something even more sad – what if we had never met, never gotten to know each other, never laughed together or cried together or learnt from each other? Sure, we’d have saved ourselves some heartache, but we’d have lost a great deal more than that.”

Dear Shin Na, we had never met before but I am glad to know about you. I can still remember your smile, the positivity that was written all over your face and the abundance love that you have in your heart despite the pain from your illness. I am sure you have touched our hearts in one way or another…

What is freedom?

It is date-less, day-less and time-less, it is days without a calendar, without a clock or a watch, days where every sunrise and every sunset matters …
It is a home with free expression of feelings, thoughts and emotions…
It is a space with no rules, no right or wrong, no judgments…
It is in a faraway place, away from responsibilities, duties, expectations, schedules, planning, decision making…
It feels like reaching out my hands and being hoisted upwards, away from the maze of life, feeling the space, simplicity and silence surrounding me…

That is freedom…or is it not?